


Dear Matt

by bookmaniac849



Category: Voltron Legendary Defender
Genre: And it's so sad, Diary/Journal, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Galaxy Garrison, Gen, Pidge Writes a Diary, Pidge is a little shit, Pidge | Katie Holt-centric, To Matt, Will add more tags as I go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-04
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2019-07-06 23:14:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 6,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15896097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookmaniac849/pseuds/bookmaniac849
Summary: When her brother left for Kerberos, Katie started a diary.When Matt didn't return, Pidge never stopped writing.





	1. 1

You know how Anne Frank called her diary Kitty?

You're now my Kitty.

Dear Matt:

I'm writing this because you're going on the Kerberos Mission with Dad and Shiro.

I want to be happy for you Matt, I really do. But you're leaving me and mom and Bae Bae for two years. That's a long time without my older brother.

I mean, who am I going to sneak to the roof at night with? Or whose hair am I going to braid? Who am I going to talk to?

I'm not good at making friends. You're the only one I ever needed until now.

But I can't tell you all of this when you're looking at me like a scrawny ball of excited nerd. I mean, your eyes were basically  _glowing_  Matt. I can't take that from you.

So that's why I'm writing this thing. I'll give it to you when you come back to Earth. That way you won't be missing much of what happened while you were gone.

And I'll have someone to talk to after all.

You better get me something from Kerberos to make up for it.

Katie.


	2. 2

Dear Matt:

You left for Kerberos today.

I'm gluing a copy of one of the pictures we took today. Just you and me.

I am now the proud owner of your nerd glasses.

You looked so cool with your Garrison uniform. And without your glasses. It was like seeing an older version of you. I think I like it.

Mom made your favorite for dinner.

It was kinda sad, y'know, since you weren't there to actually  _eat_  it. I think it was her way of accepting that you'll really be gone for two years.

It's hard for me to accept it though. I keep shouting your name whenever I make some progress with the coding I was working on before you left. You're the only person I want to share that with.

Bae Bae is sleeping on your room. Mom almost had a heart attack when she saw him all cozy on your pillow. But I had to let him in your room. He kept whining and scratching at your door until I opened it. He's the only one that's vocal about missing you. Doesn't mean mom and I don't though.

Katie


	3. 3

Dear Matt:

Haven't written in a while. Nothing interesting happens if you're not around.

But! I got a potted cactus today. Its name is Mattemathics Holt. I'm not telling mom though, she'll kill me.

So, yeah. I've taken to gardening; who would've thought huh?

It gives me something to do that's not tech. I mean, don't get me wrong. I love working on my laptop; but sometimes I forget you're over there…and not over here. And I turn around, or shout your name when I've made some progress with the coding I'm working on. But you're not there.

And gardening is surprisingly cool. It's like having a spiky mini-Matt. I think I'll get more plants sometime soon.

Mom's been cooking your favorites for weeks. I think it's her way of feeling like you're here. It was easier when it was just Dad leaving. It never was for long, and we had his quantum frequencies to communicate. She's been watching me at night so that I don't sneak off to the roof. Apparently, we weren't as quiet as we thought.

I promise I'll try to get in contact with you and dad one of these days. Maybe after mom falls asleep.

I wonder how your trip is going. Space must be so beautiful.

Katie.


	4. 4

Dear Matt:

Kids at school are assholes.

I don't want to believe their words are true, but a part of me still wonders.

They said you left for Kerberos so you wouldn't have to see me.

I could really do with you knocking on my door with cake or peanut butter cookies.

I didn't tell mom about what happened though. She'd tell me I'm being stupid. I probably  **am**  being stupid.

Where they right Matt?

I mean, you've always had more friends than I ever had. Like Shiro, or that guy, Keith? I used to think I was bothering you when you cancelled plans with them to be with me.

Anyway.

You're almost halfway to Kerberos. I really hope you show me some pictures of space. Mom didn't give you that camera just for fun. I bet you can take some awesome pictures of space with that.

I've been taking care of little Mattemathics Holt. I even got another cactus. Named it Shiro. They're growing a little slow, but at least they haven't died. It's really fun to take care of them. Maybe I'll make a whole garden.

Miss you.

Katie.


	5. 5

Dear Matt:

I graduated today

Won't have to worry about kids at school anymore (or at least not for a while). Mom made peanut butter cookies and we went out for milkshakes.

It was something you would have done, you know? Ditch whatever party mom would come up with and go for milkshakes. You would've told me you needed help with a code even if you didn't, so we could work together on something.

I really miss that.

Bae Bae is still sleeping in your bed. Your pillow doesn't smell like you anymore.

It's weird how I didn't notice all those little things while you were here. Like, there's no more dirty laundry on the floor, or how I don't wake up to the smell of dad's coffee in the morning. And Bae Bae whining and scratching at my door because you're not here to walk him before breakfast. Our house seems so big.

I'm thinking of applying for the Garrison. That way I could join you and Dad on missions…though I don't think Mom deserves to be alone for so much time…

I'll tell you more about it when I'm sure.

Katie.


	6. 6

Dear Matt:

Happy Birthday!

So, the reports say you're reaching Kerberos soon. I'm so proud of you. That's a pretty cool birthday present. Better than the one I got you at least.

I sent a message using the code you gave me when dad was on his last mission. Hopefully you got it before your birthday…

Anyways, did Dad or Shiro gave you anything? Did they even manage to hide it for so long? I mean, I'm pretty sure you've been exploring the ship every spare minute you have.

I hid your present somewhere on your room. Try finding the first hoodie I ever borrowed from you. Though don't think of asking mom, she doesn't know I got you something.

I forgot you were gone today. Knocked on your door with a candle in a cupcake and waited to sing happy birthday in the most annoying way I could manage.

And then I saw Bae Bae staring at me from your bed, and I remembered you were on a spaceship with Dad and Shiro.

I just realized. You're supposed to land on Kerberos in a week. How awesome is that? You'll be there for some time and then you'll be back and I'll get to watch you look for your birthday present.

Katie.


	7. 7

Dear Matt:

Pilot error.

That’s what the news said when they announced you crashed.

They told us you’re dead.

How could you do this Matt? How could you do this to mom? Did you think about it? She’s not sleeping. She’s barely eating.

She cried Matt. Mom cried. 

The strongest person I’ve ever known was crying in front of a TV, at night.

It’s like a rule Matt. Parents don’t cry unless it’s really really bad.

And then Iverson’s at the door and he’s telling us he’s  _ sorry. _ As if.

Mom closed the door on his face.

 

What are we supposed to tell your friends at the Garrison? They had this party planned out for you when you landed. Guess that’s not going to happen anymore, is it? 

 

And Bae Bae? He’s a  **dog** Matt. He’s never going to know why you’re not home.

He waits for you and dad every day. He stays on the door mat. Eats there, plays there. And at night he keeps whining at the door until he gives up and goes to sleep in your room.

He doesn’t...he  _ can’t _ understand why you’re not coming home. 

He’s going to keep waiting for you because he doesn’t get  _ why you left him and are never coming back. _

 

[Tears fall on the pages. Her pen shakes with her hand. It’s all so, so wrong.]

 

What am I supposed to do? I need my older brother Matt. I  **need you** . I can’t do this on my own. I can’t stand looking at Bae Bae sleeping on your pillow.

I can’t look at mom when she’s smiling at me and it’s so  _ fake _ . Like she’s trying to be strong for me.

I’m supposed to be the one that’s being strong for her. 

 

I can’t go without you Matt. I need my older brother. 

I’m just thirteen. I can’t deal with all of this on my own Matt.

 

Should I even be writing this? It’s not like you’re gonna read it anyways. 

Dead people can’t read.

 

Katie.


	8. 8

Dear Matt:

I met someone today. His name’s Adam.

Wanna know how I know him? He was there a few hours ago when we buried you. He came for Shiro. Keith was there for him too.

Mom and I were there for you and Dad. 

 

It was a little gathering. We were the only ones there. (And Bae Bae too.)

I mean, there were some Garrison officers too, but they didn’t count. I’m pretty sure they were ordered to come.

 

It doesn’t feel real Matt. I really don’t believe you’re gone. I mean, there’s really nothing tangible telling me that you’re gone.

 

There’s nothing inside those coffins but personal objects we were told to put inside. Dad’s has his favorite coffee mug and his old typewriter. Mom cried when she was sorting through his stuff. I’m pretty sure she wanted to grab his favorite pj’s too. 

I put some of your comic books and your telescope. 

 

Mom wanted me to put your glasses there too. 

I couldn’t do it Matt.

_ [And she couldn’t. Her left hand practically crushes the glasses. She has half a mind to worry they can break. The other half doesn’t care. She needs something to hold on to. To make this real] _

 

Keith didn’t stay through the whole thing. He left a little after they began lowering the coffins. I left sometime after that too. 

If I’m being honest with you Matt… I felt guilty.

I didn’t cry.

 

_ [Katie shivers when rain falls harder. She listens to the drops hit the ground and a sad smile crosses her face. Maybe the sky is crying for her, as cheeky as it sounds. Gosh, her sense of humor  _ **_sucks_ ** _.] _

 

Mom and Adam? They did. I’ve never seen an adult cry like that Matt. Adam was… I don’t know. I don’t really have the words to describe it. I’m sure you would though, you can always read people better that I can. Or… you could.

 

He kept hitting Shiro’s gravestone. Like he was mad. I mean, I thought he was mad until he started crying.

It’s been like an hour, but he’s still there. And keeps saying “I told you so”. 

 

I don’t think I’ll ever forget that Matt. 

I told you so.

I told you not to leave you idiot.

I miss you.

Don’t leave me.

I love you.

 

_ [She looks at Adam. Katie finds that she can describe his face. He threw his glasses at Shiro’s gravestone maybe half and hour ago, so she has a perfect view of his puffy eyes. Red and still crying. His shoulders shake every time he sobs. Katie can hear them from the tree she’s perched on. Her chest feels weird when she’s reminded that her brother loved to climb trees with her.  _

_ Maybe she should go down?] _

 

He’s sobbing and mom’s crying and Bae Bae keeps whining and I’m not. 

 

I can’t do this anymore Matt. 

Why do I keep doing this? You’ll never read it anyways. 

 

I should stop.

 

Katie.


	9. 9

Katie can’t sleep.

 

She’s in Matt’s room. In his bed, with Bae Bae sleeping on her feet. 

 

An idea has been fluttering around like a little butterfly inside her head. She desperately wants to believe it.

 

She wants to believe that her brother is alive. She  _ needs _ to believe it. 

She knows -logically- that the first stage of grief is denial. But she went through all that, the night the news said they were dead. 

 

This was different. Not in a way Katie could explain it, it just  **was** . 

 

So she stood up, being careful to not wake up Bae Bae, and went to Matt’s laptop, her hand hovering over its top. His laptop was one of Matt’s most prized possessions, but just the way it had happened with his glasses, she didn’t dare bury his laptop. Something that he had loved so much didn’t deserve to be left beneath a bunch of dirt.

 

Biting her bottom lip, she opened her brother’s laptop. 

A younger Katie stared back at her.

She let out a soft gasp at Matt’s lockscreen.

 

It was a picture from the day he graduated high school. She had ran from behind Matt and then had climbed him like a Koala. From the laptop, it looked like he was trying to give her a piggy-back. With him looking back at her; his hands trying to catch her; and his recently-stolen graduation cap secure in her left hand. They were both grinning in the picture.

 

Katie was finding it difficult to breath. Her throat choking on tears she couldn’t let out. 

She wanted to cry,  _ why couldn’t she cry? _

 

She closed the laptop and left the room.

 

Katie **would** find him.

 

But not today.

 


	10. 10

Dear Matt:

 

I’ve made you proud. I think. (Hope really). I’ll just say that it’s surprisingly easy to sneak into Iverson’s office at the Garrison, and it’s even easier to hack into his computer. (So it’s either that I’m way too good at hacking or that the Garrison really needs to update its equipment. Imma go with the first because it makes me look cool.)

 

I found some interesting stuff in their video feeds. But what I did not find was their evidence on the crash.

 

There was no pilot error. You didn’t crash. You had been on Kerberos for days.

You may still be alive.

You and Dad and Shiro may still be alive.

You are alive.

 

_ [Katie needs to write that. They’re alive. Sam lives and Shiro lives and  _ **_Matt_ ** _ lives. Their hearts beat and she needs to write it down. The ink and the scratching of her pen on the paper make it real.] _

 

Also… there’s something else that probably wouldn’t make you proud. 

See, I maaay have gotten caught.

 

Nothing big, just, you know, banned from the Garrison. For life.

 

But now that I know that you’re out there, I will find you. Even if I have to build my own ship.

 

Katie.


	11. 11

Dear Matt:

 

I told Mom everything. I’m pretty sure she wanted to go to the Garrison and punch Iverson in the face. I would’ve let her.

 

In fact, I thought she was going to do that when she got in the car after breakfast. Then she came home with pizza and a new potted cactus she told me to name Sam.

 

Matt, Mom is awesome.

 

So, we’re kinda planning something. Big. I won’t tell you just yet, but if we manage to actually do it, it’s going to be great.

 

Also, guess what? I saw Alan today. He’s gone back to dancing in the studio at the mall, and invited me to join again. I told him I couldn’t, but he went and dragged me to dance a few pieces anyways. It was pretty cool.

 

He’s finally dating the guy he used to talk about. It’s really nice.

 

Matt, I hadn’t realized I missed dancing so much until today. Think I should go back?

 

Katie.


	12. Pidge Gunderson

Dear Matt:

Guess what? First day of school! Getting in a year ahead of my own at the Garrison was surprisingly easy, maybe they’re getting soft?

 

Right, the Garrison. Don’t go crazy Matt. I did tell you Mom and I were planning something big. See, it’s not Katie Holt’s first day of school. It’s Pidge Gunderson’s.

 

I have to give you credit for the name, Mom laughed so hard when I wrote it down in the application. It was pretty fun.

 

Gotta go, it’s time for a haircut ;)

 

I’ll tell you all about it later.

  
  


Love

 

Katie.

 

\---

_ Katie stares at her reflection. But she doesn’t see herself staring back. _

 

_ No, she sees Matt smile back at her.  _

 

_ The glasses just finish the look. _

_ Throwing what had been her hair on the trash can,Katie risks another look at the mirror before closing the door. _

 

_ She’s ready. _


	13. Hunk

Lance often said Pidge was weird. Hunk thought of him more like  _ special _ . Which, he’ll admit it, was the same as calling the new guy weird.

 

Pidge never ate with anyone at lunch, or went home for the weekend, or shared a room with someone. He was all alone, all the time. Hunk didn’t think that was healthy. The little guy never slept, and ate barely enough. (Okay, he had been spying, but in his defense, he was  _ worried _ ! They were supposed to be a team, and if Lance didn’t care enough, someone had to do it.)

 

What Hunk  _ did _ notice was the notebook Pidge carried around at all times. Never left it. From what he could see of the little journal, it was filled to the brim with post-its and glued-in pictures, and the obvious different entries he was  _ sure _ Pidge wrote everyday. He saw the little book at lunch, in class, the rooftop, even in the bathroom all the guys shared! When he said Pidge never went anywhere without the damn thing, he meant it.

 

And now that he was reminded of the rooftop, Hunk realized Pidge also spent a lot of his time there at night. Sometimes, he saw peanut-butter cups inside the younger boy’s backpack when he sneaked outside at night, alongside his little journal. Did he mention the journal already?

 

Lance told him that he shouldn’t worry too much about their teammate. If the guy wanted to be antisocial, then so be it.

 

But even with all that, Hunk could honestly say he admired Pidge. I mean, the guy got into the Garrison and even skipped a year! He had to be like, the smartest person on Earth. 

Something he proved everytime he was asked a question in class. All of his answers were usually spot-on, he sometimes impressed even the teachers. And to top it all of? Pidge had a  _ wicked _ sense of humor. Sitting next to him in most of their classes had Hunk struggling to not laugh in the middle of a lecture. Pidge’s side commentary of what the teacher was saying not only proved to Hunk that he knew more than their teachers, but also made him feel in a TV show. His little teammate’s narrative was certainly worthy of a couple seasons on air.

 

Because of all that, Hunk was excited about their Physiscs project. The teacher had put them all into pairs, and while he big guy felt some pity for Lance (who was stuck working with  _ James Griffin _ , of all people) he was just as happy to be working with Pidge. The guy liked Physics as much as he did, was super smart  _ and _ funny. Nothing could go wrong.

 

\----

 

They agreed to meet up in Pidge’s room, since he was the only guy in their year without a roomate, and got to work as soon as the last class of the day came to an end.

Now, if he were to be asked by anyone, Hunk would deny being nervous to be alone with Pidge. He wasn’t nervous. Nope. Not even a little bit.

 

Okay, so he  _ was _ nervous. Sue him. Hunk knows himself. As soon as he goes in, he’ll start rambling, try to feel the silence that was sure to be present. This was  _ Pidge _ he was talking about. The guy -for all of his lovely commentary during class- never spoke to  _ anyone. Ever. _

 

So, Hunk was preparing himself for a lot of awkward silences.

However, he was  _ not _ prepared for Pidge screaming at him to get comfortable while he ran for some snacks to the cafeteria as soon as he knocked on his door.

 

Before he had any chance to answer, the little gremlin was turning a left and getting lost in the hallway. His sock-clad feet barely making a noise against the floor.

 

So Hunk got went inside the surprisingly not-messy room, and did as he was told. He got comfortable on the bed. For five minutes.

 

Then he started looking around. 

 

Pidge had an impressive collection of Science posters, they almost completely covered all four walls of his room (and part of the ceiling). The dance posters and The Swan Lake one sure came as a surprise, and if Hunk remembered correctly, there was also a poster for Chicago and Hairspray. He liked the fairy lights that hung above the bed, the light yellow tone gave the room a homey feeling most people on their year didn’t have.

 

There was another light turned on in the room, right above three little potted cactuses Hunk was sure were the cutest things ever. The one in the center even had little plastic glasses on top of it.

 

Then, his eyes landed on the desk. Half of it was full of tools and equipment Hunk couldn’t understand -and he was a damn good engineer-. The other half had a laptop and a bunch of papers. He recognized an essay for one of their classes that was due next week. 

Huh, so not only was Pidge smart, he was also productive.

 

Next he saw the coffee maker on a little table besides the packed desk. Hunk gave a low whistle. 

He needed one of those.

 

Then, he saw the journal.

 

He hesitated. It was private for a reason. And Pidge carried it around for that same reason. No one should read it.

But never let it be said that Hunk wasn’t a curious person.

 

Before he even realized, a random page was right before his eyes.

It was one of the first pages, on the left, there was a newspaper cut-out glued to the top. It was wet on some places, and looked particularly worn-out.

 

“Tragic Crash. The Galaxy Garrison loses valuable crew members”.

 

Hunk smiled sadly at the black and white paper. He could remember hearing the news the day after the crash happened. He had been a fan of Doctor Samuel Holt’s work for quite some time. It had been his inspiration to enter the Garrison as an engineer. The news of his death hit him more than he would’ve expected.

His eyes went to the page on the right.

 

“Dear Matt:”

 

Hunk frowned.

 

“Pilot error.”

 

The book fell from his grasp, landing quietly on the messy bed.

 

The Kerberos Mission. The Crash. Matt.

 

Pidge knew them. Takashi Shirogane, Samuel Holt, Matthew Holt.

 

That was why he got angry everytime they went over the subject in class. He had known them. 

He scrambled to open the book again. His hands were shaking.

 

“I can’t do this Matt. I need my older brother back.”

 

Hunk sniffled, and quietly let the book down where he had picked it up. He shouldn’t have read anything.

 

He headed for the bathroom to wash his face, and a minute later, the distinct sound of the door opening distracted him from his thoughts. 

 

“Hunk? You still here?”

He moved to open the bathroom door, smiling awkwardly. 

 

“Sorry Pidge, I needed to use the bathroom, I hope that’s okay?”

 

Pidge smiled back, and Hunk noticed the impressive amount of food on his scrawny arms.

 

“Lemme help you with that. How much did you get? We’re only two!”

 

The smaller boy shrugged, and set everything on the bed.

 

“Figured we were going to be here a while. I mean, it’s cool if we can’t finish everything. Now that I think about it I really got a lot. If you don’t want any I can just keep it for later or go give it back? I should have asked, but I didn’t get any lunch because I was trying to get started on  the Chemistry homework and lost track of time and-”

 

Hunk couldn’t help it. He laughed and ruffled Pidge’s hair, getting louder at the smallest’s cry of “Hey! What was that for?!”

 

“You ramble too.”


	14. Chapter 14

Dear Matt:

 

I just realized I haven’t told you about my teammates at the Garrison. Lance and Hunk.

They’re pretty cool, I mean, Lance has a bit of a strong personality and flirts with everything that moves, but I’ve seen him cooking at night almost daily. I’ve done my research, most are Cuban dishes. I think he’s homesick, but he puts on a strong face for Hunk. They’re best friends since before I came into the Garrison (I know I just came, but let me do my storytelling however I want to Matt.)

 

And that brings me to Hunk. Matt, he’s awesome! (No. I  **don’t** have a crush on him. I know that would be the first thing on your mind you dork.) He’s really smart, and funny. We sit next to each other in most of our classes, and I’ve catched him laughing at my jokes more than once. (But Katie, you have to be paying attention to your teachers blah blah blah. Nope. Besides, my commentary is  _ awesome _ , screw you.)

 

We had to do a Physics project yesterday, and we’re gonna have to finish it today because we got almost nothing done. We basically chatted the whole time. And ate snacks. He doesn’t mind it when I ramble, or when I start saying Physics and Chem stuff. It’s nice. I mean, only you and Alan have done that for me. I miss you.

 

I think I found a friend.

 

Katie.


	15. They're Like You

Dear Matt:

 

Sneaking out of the Garrison is surprisingly easy. I mean, I should’ve known after you came to visit on Mom’s birthday on a school night, but I never really thought much about it to be honest.

 

And before you ask, no it wasn’t my idea. Lance is to blame. Hunk and I just went along with it.

It was a fun night, all in all. More fun than staying awake until 4 in the morning working on some coding like I had originally planned  anyway.

 

See, Lance came into my room (uninvited may I add) and Hunk was running after him and he kept apologizing because he couldn’t stop him from whatever he was planning to do. It was actually pretty cute.

 

Then Lance grabs my hand, picks me up and forces Hunk to give me a piggy-back ride until we’re out of the Garrison.

 

We went out for milkshakes and fries, and then Hunk had to be a total dork and take out a blanket from a backpack Lance had been carrying all along.

We did what the big guy called a night-picnic in the park, and you’re the only person I’ll ever admit to having fun with those two dummies.

 

It felt like something you would’ve done with me before you left for Kerberos. Milkshakes, fries and a crazy picnic on the rooftop.

 

You’d like them. Lance and Hunk. They’re like you, but a you that was split into two people.

 

One day you’ll meet them. I hope.

 

Katie


	16. Pidge

Dear Matt:

 

I think I get how double agents feel. 

 

It’s weird. I feel like Katie Holt, but at the same time I feel like Pidge Gunderson.

 

Does that even make sense?

 

Like, sometimes I wake up and look at myself in the mirror and think “Good morning Pidge”.

It should be Katie, shouldn’t it? I was born Katie. My whole life I’ve always been Katie. 

 

Now I’m not so sure.

 

But it’s not what you think it is. I don’t feel like a boy. I just feel like Pidge.

 

It’s so weird.

 

I better go. It’s almost curfew and I want to sneak out to the roof today. Clear my mind and all that.

 

Love, 

 

_ Pidge. _

 

\----

 

The next morning, while Katie read through her latest note to Matt, she scratched the name.


	17. Voices

Katie was really excited. It was currently 2 am and tomorrow she had a big physics test that she _should’ve_ been studying for, but even that thought went through her mind as soon as it came in.

 

Alien radio chatter. Actual _aliens_ that just so happened to be having a very heated conversation through the frequency she was in.

 

Kati hadn’t noticed she was smiling until her cheeks started to hurt (in her opinion, the best kind of smiling).

 

Without thinking, she turned around, waving her notebook excitedly.

 

“Matt! Guess what!”

 

No one answered her.

 

Her smile died. Her notebook fell to the hard ground of the roof. Then she fell. Then the tears fell.

 

_Stupid. Stupid. Stupid._

 

It hadn’t happened in a month. A month since the last time Katie had forgotten Matt wasn’t there.

 

That he hadn’t been there for half a year.

 

It was getting harder to breathe.

 

_Stupid. How could you forget me?_

 

The voice wasn’t hers.

 

_I’m dead. How did you forget that?_

 

It was Matt’s voice.

 

_Stop calling me. I’m not there anymore._

 

The air just wouldn’t come.

 

_Stupid. Stupid. Stupid._

 

Where was the air?

 

_Idiot._

 

Why was it wet? Was it raining?

 

_You’re crying Katie._

 

No, that name felt wrong.

 

_Did you forget you were trying to find me? Is that why you called my name?_

 

Air. Where was the air.

 

_It hurts that someone as smart as you would do that Katie._

 

It hurts. My chest hurts.

 

_It hurts Katie._

 

Don’t call me that.

 

**It hurts.**

 

\---

 

When she thought it was safe to open her eyes, the stars looked back at her.

 

The one thing Katie loved about the Garrison being in the middle of no-where. No light pollution, just stars.

 

No, not Katie. **Pidge**.

 

The churning of her stomach was enough warning before she forced herself to swallow the bile rising up and burning her throat.

 

Pidge hated it. She knew that Matt loved her. With the same security she had when she said one plus one equals two.

 

 _Why_ did this keep happening?

 

Hearing his voice say things like that.

Pidge wasn’t an idiot. She knew those taunts weren’t from him.

 

They were from her old classmates in middle-school.

 

It didn’t make it hurt any less. In fact, it made it hurt _more_.

 

One would think she wouldn’t have been affected by the words of 15-year-olds.

Well, they could think again.

Pidge hugged her knees close to her chest. The chilly desert air was too much for the thin sweater she had brought up.

 

She wanted Matt’s hoodie.

 

She wanted Matt.

 

At 4:00 am in the morning, Pidge fell asleep.

 

\---

 

Hunk found her an hour later.

 

“Pidge. Pidge wake up man, physics test in two hours remember? You don’t wanna be late to studying. I’ll get you a peanut butter cup if you’re up in the next five minutes.”

 

When Pidge didn’t immediately jump at the prospect of his favorite food, Hunk frowned.

 

“Pidge? Buddy you need to get up.”

 

She groaned.

 

“I don’t wanna.”

 

She felt like throwing up. Again.

She told Hunk as much.

 

Bad idea.

Pidge had forgotten about Moma Bear Hunk.

 

He reminded her such a thing existed when he picked her up and gave her a piggy-back  ride all the way to the not-so-crowded cafeteria. It was still pretty early for most cadets.

 

Not for Lance though. His beauty routine started at 5:30 am sharp, and he looked so fresh it made Pidge want to strangle him. No one deserved to be so awake at such an early hour.

 

But to his credit, he had a cup of coffee in front of him.

 

Pidge reached for it with her short arms, grumbling like an angry gremlin.

A very angry, very pale, possibly sick gremlin.

 

“Hey Pidge-Podge, you’re not looking too good, want to run to the nurse’s office?”

 

A glare shut him up.

 

Hunk wasn’t as easy to convince though.

“What’s wrong Pidge? You _spent the night_ in the roof.”

 

She ignored Lance’s bewildered “He did **what**?!” In favor of taking a sip of coffee.

 

_Oh I don’t know Hunk, maybe it’s the fact that I had a panic attack last night. No biggie._

 

“Just stressed. Physics is going to be tough.”

She received two distressed nods and then left it at that.

 

She wanted Matt.


	18. Necklace

Dear Matt:

 

I saw Adam again.

 

I mean, it shouldn’t be surprising. I knew he was a teacher at the Garrison, but I guess I never really made the connection.

 

I swear Matt, I thought he was going to tell Iverson who I am.  But I couldn’t have been more wrong. (I know, shocking, right?) He asked me why I had come back after Iverson banned me from Garrison Property, and I ended up spilling the beans.

 

If there was one thing I never wanted to see again, it was Adam crying.

 

After I finished telling him everything, he took off a necklace. It was really worn and I would bet all the peanut butter cups in the world that he never took it off.

 

And it had engagement rings.

 

And now I’m wearing it after he made me promise that I would never take it off. In case I find you.

 

And then it was his turn at story-telling.

 

Matt, Shiro was sick. They broke their engagement over that. I mean, not over  _ that _ , because someone that breaks up just because the other’s sick is frankly the worst person in the world. But yeah, apparently, Shiro’s body was too fragile, and Kerberos was going to be his last trip. And going actually put him at risk of permanent injury. 

 

You remember the metal band he always wore on his wrist? It was part of the treatment.

 

And Adam was worried that he would lose Shiro. Like, worried he would die on Kerberos, and told him that if he chose to go, they were over.

And Shiro went anyways.

 

And Adam kept both their rings. And now I have them.

 

_ Gosh _ Matt. I swear, I’ve never seen someone be so in love. I would bet my life and your comic books that he hasn’t smiled since the day they broke up.

 

Guess know I have another reason to find you guys.

 

Love, Katie.


	19. Lance

People could say whatever they wanted about Lance. But he knows himself, and if there's one thing he'll always tell everyone that may listen, it's that he loves his family and his friends with every bit of his heart.

And since four months ago, that included Pidge.

The guy's pretty adorable, in all his shortness; and after months of knowing him, Lance appreciates his friendship with the little gremlin. And overtime, he's learnt to read Pidge and his little quirks.

Like, when he started sitting with him and Hunk in the cafeteria, Lance discovered that Pidge _needed_ coffee to function like a normal person (and by that, he meant as normal as Pidge could be). He had made grabby hands at his mug of hot chocolate one morning, thinking it was coffee, before shooting him a betrayed look at the sight of his chocolate.

He still drank it - out of pure **spite** -, and _then_ had gone for coffee. Lance could still hear Hunk laughing at him.

Another thing he liked about Pidge - he didn't judge. Lance had caught Pidge smiling at him while he sang in the shower it had been one of his favorite songs in Spanish, and the guys that had been in the shower at the time had laughed. Pidge and Hunk never made fun of him, not like the other guys in their year. Not like Griffin did.

And Pidge _listened_. He usually didn't talk much, but he listened. It didn't matter if he was talking about someone cute he saw during the weekend, or if he talked about Cuba, or about his family.

Pidge never stopped listening.

At first, Lance didn't notice. But when Pidge got him a mug of his favorite hot chocolate on his Mom's birthday, he understood.

He had been feeling down because it was going to be the first time he'd miss her birthday, and Pidge had set the mug down in front of him, with a muttered "Figured you could use a pick-me-up."

No-one had ever done that for him. Sure, Hunk would try to distract him with a videogame, or make Lance help him with a new recipe he had seen on the internet.

But Pidge didn't try to make him forget. He was just _there_ , while Lance cuddled with Hunk and took little sips of his hot-chocolate.

And when he needed help with a class, Pidge and Hunk were always ready to help him. They didn't call him an idiot, or went too fast through the lessons.

When he went home for the weekend, his mom and his siblings loved to tell him he probably had a crush on Hunk. Last week, Veronica's teasing comments also extended to Pidge.

He didn't mind. He was just happy to have people to go through the Garrison with.

Lance had woken up at 5:30 per his morning routine and when he was finished, had gone to the cafeteria to make Pidge his usual cup of coffee. It was a Monday, so the little gremlin would probably need it to go through the day. Besides, he could also make Hunk and himself a mug of hot-chocolate.

He hadn't been expecting Pidge to already be up.

Now, Lance was no stranger to The Journal, but after all this time knowing Pidge, he had never seen him write on it.

He felt like he was intruding on a very personal moment.

Pidge's glasses were nowhere he could see.

But his left hand played with a necklace that Lance was absolutely sure hadn't been around the little gremlin's neck before. Like, ever.

Then Pidge shut the journal and looked up.

Lance was expecting Pidge to glare at him, or even give him the silent treatment. He wasn't expecting the worried eyes.

"You look like shit." He felt his cheeks strain with his grin as he took a sit in front of Pidge.

_I'm worried about you._ "So much homework and not enough hours in the day Pidge-Podge."

He wanted to ask what was wrong. Ask about the tear tracks and the unshed tears that shone in the cafeteria's harsh light.

_Why were you crying?_

Ask about his hunched form. Pidge's shoulders almost hiding his head. Curled into himself, the smallest Lance had ever seen him.

_What's wrong?_

Instead.

"You in the mood for some hot-chocolate?"

The smile Pidge flashed him was so sad. He never wanted to see it again.

When Pidge smiled, his eyes always closed.

It made a few tears escape.

Why?

_What's wrong?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should stop with the angst. And I will! At some point.
> 
> Ask me stuff on Tumblr! Just-a-bunch-of-randomness


	20. Don't Think About It

Dear Matt:

 

Shiro’s alive.

 

I mean, I already knew that. I’ve known since I hacked into Iverson’s computer. But I never really thought I’d see him again.

 

He’s sleeping right now. I’m outside Keith’s guestroom waiting until he wakes up (and wow, isn’t that a mindfuck and a half?). I have so many questions I don’t even know where to start.

 

I’m afraid to ask though.

 

From what it looks like, you weren’t having the best time in space. And he came alone. You and Dad are still out there somewhere. 

 

[She tries to ignore Shiro’s strip of white hair. Tries to ignore the scar on his nose. Tries to ignore her mind telling her that if that’s what they did to Takashi Shirogane, her family is probably worse.

 

She can’t ignore it.]

 

And to make everything worse, I still have Adam’s necklace. I really don’t think I should give it to Shiro just now. Maybe give him time to adjust?

 

[The necklace feels cold against her chest, hidden from view by Matt’s hoodie. She tries to ignore that too.]

 

All I know is that the chances of getting you back are more real than ever Matt.

 

I’ll see you soon.

 

Katie.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on Tumblr as bookmaniac849 and ask me stuff. Your kudos and comments give me life.


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